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One step forward, one step back…

February 24, 2011

Today, despite possible danger and disaster it may cause across the region, I am thankful for the beautiful snow and the calmness it brings!

I have felt like I need to do a “coming out” post of some sort-not in the sexual sense (before my parents read this and have a heart attack), but in the way of trying to continue to live my life authentically and with integrity.

I started this blog a few years ago, still in recovery from an eating disorder. I didn’t want to openly admit it, because it has brought so much shame, guilt, and pain over the past seven years and I didn’t want to be stereotyped because everytime I tell someone I feel like I then have to educate them. Without going into extreme detail, I have still been walking the rocky road of recovery, even while having this blog. It’s what made me leave Seattle, sent me to North Carolina for a few years, and has now brought me back to Washington.  I hate this disease with a passion, people do not understand how much it can ruin and take away someone’s life and how you are left alone. I have lost a great deal due to the ED-relationships with my family, friends, school, my credit, my beautiful racing bikes (materialistic, but they were my passion), and so much more, I was even homeless at one time.

My long absences from the blog is simple, and even admitting this brings guilt and shame because that negative self-talk I have to fight every day is telling me I should be so much more. I’m on the state system, I live check to check, I know the world of mental health inside and out, and I am not privileged to have the ability to afford a computer, internet, a good camera and such-all important factors to keep up with the beautiful blogs I see out there.

Yes, I admit to envy. I pray for a vita-mix to magically show up at my door step, or the opportunity to get to review all those awesome products I’ll never be able to afford, but maybe that’s not my purpose. (Hey, if you’re offering though, I will still gladly do so!)  There will be a day I have a beautiful kitchen, fun gadgets, I’m just waiting for Ty Pennington to say “move that bus!” Or not….

I have a passion for cooking, I love to cook, I love to learn about new wholesome products, especially due to the medical problems I still deal with. I am on the path to recovery, and in that, I can’t hide behind the shame anymore, I have to start finding out who I am, and BE who I am. Sure, I may have a few more obstacles to overcome than some, but God has kept me here, He has a purpose for me, and each day I wake up, I am going to make the choice to smile and take on the day with a decided heart to pursue that purpose.

Maybe I was not meant to be a food blogger, maybe I eventually will be. Perhaps, I will always just be around to help my mother menu plan. I do have a bike again, and soon I’ll be able to have access to a pool, so maybe a triathlon will happen this summer, I will have to persevere.  Maybe I’m meant to educate others about mental illness, take away the stigmas, provide more access to treatment for people with eating disorders-every day is an opportunity.

And while I’m admitting to everything…

1) I like my oatbran/oats/scottish oats pretty plain: salt, truvia, cinnamon, and a dash of almond milk…GASP!!!!

2)I’m currently pretty much living off green monsters because of my poor tummy, so you can see my long desire for the vita mix, but still loving the VEGA and Jay Robb.  (Oh, and days I’m feeling better, I definitely get my DKB in!)

3) I have wanted to try Oh She Glows bars FOREVER!!!

4) I think Edible Perspective and Daily Garnish have become my two new favorite blogs. I do of course read many others that I have been following for years, so don’t feel left out!  I also owe a huge thank you to Zesty who has always been around to answer questions for me.

5)I’m all about nut butter, but it still scares me and I’m amazed at how much everyone puts it on stuff.

6) I really need to vary my diet but my bank account just doesn’t allow it. I miss Dr. Krackers, farmer’s markets, and good natural food stores….any suggestions? Soon I’ll be moving to a place where I think I can cook….

7) Am I the only one that eats mounds of cottage cheese?

8) Am I breaking the rules by not posting a picture of food or a dog in this post?

9) Does anyone still even stop by anymore? :p

Eh, that’s okay, because this really did start as an outlet for distraction. A book that I wish I could get a thousand copies of and just hand them out to almost everyone I meet is The Time Travelers Gift by Andy Andrews. Visit your local library, it’s a quick read and will definitely put things in perspective.

pict from Amazon

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Kacey permalink
    February 25, 2011 5:23 pm

    Faith…we were together in the worst of times and I admire you so much. Regardless of the past you are making things wonderful for yourself. I am happy you came back to the PacNorthWest. You are a light

    • Faith permalink*
      February 25, 2011 8:27 pm

      Thanks Kacey-hope you are doing well! Thanks for the encouragement and thanks for reading!

  2. March 2, 2011 9:02 pm

    wow similarities! I, too, have tagged posts “musings”
    I also love cottage cheese
    I’m in recovery as well
    I love my oats plain as well. Salt, that sounds good! salty + sweet…
    and I totally get what you mean about the nut butters. I only wish I felt so comfortable slathering all my food with them : )
    best of luck!

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